I don't think Latino; I think like me. If that happens to be Latino, then I guess that's me. But it doesn't… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
“What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?" The big man in the back barked a laugh. "You'll pay for that one.” — Aria Kane Copy Share Image
“I didn't tell you how beautiful he is so you could fall in love with him. I told you so you could… — Marianne Maughan Copy Share Image
Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
Sorry no one understood you were making an April Fool's joke because no one thinks you have a sense of humor. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Kind of bloodthirsty, don't you think, Charles?" said John. "I'm an editor," said Charles. "I have to make decisions like that all… — James A. Owen Copy Share Image
“There is no known cure for severe affection for one's cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead… — Tichakorn Khroopan Hill Copy Share Image
“Remember, the masterpiece of your life is perpetually in progress—each date a fresh stroke on your canvas.” — Léon RocheBlance Copy Share Image
“Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff… — Tom Althouse Copy Share Image
Have a wonderful sense of humor, particularly about yourself and your own situation. Yet don't simply laugh. Work to change and improve… — Frederick Lenz Copy Share Image
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You know how hard it's been to write material? Because to do stand-up comedy, it takes time for the material to develop.… — Maz Jobrani Copy Share Image
“Don’t worry, I’m not quitting. I’ve decided I’m going to stay and make his life a living hell while I run his… — Devon Rhodes Copy Share Image
I was open to anything. That doesn't mean I would do anything, it just means I was open to anything. I've met… — Skylar Astin Copy Share Image
The timing of comedy is so difficult. You've got to leave room for a laugh, you don't want to kill the laugh,… — Helen Mirren Copy Share Image
“And just how did you arrive at that remarkable conclusion, Mr. Mayor?" "In a rather simple way. It merely required the use… — Isaac Asimov Copy Share Image
When the situation is serious, don't be funny; and when the situation is funny, don't be serious! — Mehmet Murat Ildan Copy Share Image
...now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on… — Shelly Crane Copy Share Image
“If you want to get results in your life try with comedy... first pressure then apply comedy. Always it shallow the shitty… — Deyth Banger Copy Share Image
I don't think I am restricting myself to doing only comedy; I am hoping that someone offers me something else. — Chunky Pandey Copy Share Image
“There is nothing to be gained by multiplying social distinctions indefinitely.” — Evelyn Waugh Copy Share Image
“To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won't text while going down stairs. That shits dangerous. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything. — Rodney Carrington Copy Share Image
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction. — Mary-Louise Parker Copy Share Image
Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another… — Dick Van Dyke Copy Share Image
“I was exercised about the poor fish, as I am about all my pals, close or distant, who find themselves treading upon… — P.G.Wodehouse Copy Share Image
My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none. — Marcus Brigstocke Copy Share Image
“There is something sinister about putting a leprechaun in a workhouse. The only solid comfort is that he certainly will not work.” — G.K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“It's not easy taking care of one's self, determining nap lengths and all that, but with two people it's a manageable job.” — Jonathan Ames Copy Share Image
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. — Hank Aaron Copy Share Image
It's dangerous talking about comedy; it gets to be very tedious and presumptuous. — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
“I’ve always felt comfortable amongst the horrors. I married your uncle Gerard, after all.” — Melika Dannese Lux Copy Share Image
“The secret, my friend? Everything is an addiction. Just some addictions get called hobbies.” — Nuclear Circus Copy Share Image
“To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“I can’t deal with angry people until after I’ve had my morning coffee.” — Henning Mankell Copy Share Image
