Humor Quotes · Page 530

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,…

— Mitch Hedberg

“When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves?”

— Amethyst Marie

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

— Steven Wright

“If you learn to laugh at yourself, you'll be entertained for a lifetime.”

— Lee McLaughlin

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

— Zach Galifianakis

“Your own shortcomings are the best ground to grow your sense of humor.”

— Stu Konigsberg

“I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze." ( Letter to Cynthia Asquith , November 1913)”

— D.H. Lawrence

“I think Newtons third law failed in the case 'girls reply to boys action'..”

— Kuppuraj

Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a…

— James Thurber

“But I love YOU, Edweird. Sure, I'll probably hook up with Yakob in Eclipse. After all, you're going to leave me for…

— Stephen Jenner

“Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find…

— George Saunders

“Smartass Disciple: Master, please show me the way to the enlightenment. Master of Stupidity: Walk with me! [but I won't let you…

— Toba Beta

“I watch Fox news for the comedy, MSNBC when I need to be reminded that mind midgets exist and CNN when I…

— James Scott, Senior Fellow, The Center for Cyber Influence Operations Studies (CCIOS

Women are only children of a larger growth. A man of sense only trifles with them, plays with them, humours and flatters…

— Anonymous

It was the joy of your life to know Clark Gable. He was everything good you could think of. He had delicious…

— Joan Blondell

A lot of my work deals with this emotion of discouragement or fear, and this emotion cannot be approached without humor because…

— Camille Henrot

Laughter is the best medicine...next to Oxycontin...and of course medicinal marijuana.

— Anonymous

“There are few things in life that are worth waking up to: sex, the dark spices of freshly brewed coffee and bacon.”

— Dannika Dark

I have no real enemies in comedy, but there are a couple of people who I'd laugh about if I heard that…

— Frankie Boyle

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

— Steven Wright

“Her bouts of bitchiness were really starting to grow on him, which just proved how in over his head he was.”

— Katee Robert

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

— Peter Steele

Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor.

— Rajneesh

Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open.

— George W. Bush

All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have…

— Nikki Glaser

I was crazy about silent comedy - in the old days, and crazy about Japanese movies.

— Keith Johnstone

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

— Bill Cosby

“I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand. - Simon Hunt”

— dannika dark

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

— Marc Maron

“trying to restore some kind of natural balance of humors in the world.”

— Kate Atkinson

In life, comedy occurs naturally, as it should, in the most appalling of circumstances.

— Peter Baynham

“You told you were a hero! That you were discharged, ‘Above Honorable’! Turns out you were simply defeated by a mutant penis…

— Dexter Herron

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should…

— Mitch Hedberg

“I had this dream about you. We went hunting up in the mountains and I caught a unicorn. You told me now…

— Crystal Hudson

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad…

— Anonymous

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

— Craig Ferguson

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.

— Lin Yutang

“Our sense of humor," said Mother, her eyes pooled with laughing tears. "They can't take that away from us, right?”

— Ruta Sepetys

“Day one of school and he was already improving life for his host. What a great parasite he was.”

— Charleigh Frederick

“There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.”

— Cheryl Nielsen