Humor Quotes · Page 483

The first condition for comedy is that if you laugh at your own jokes, others won't laugh. You have to say something…

— Saswata Chatterjee

“The earl could have made Napoleon comfortable in a room sporting a guillotine.”

— Melissa Lynne Blue

“The easiest lie ever told is a truth no one believes."- Sixteen Seconds”

— Aubrea Summer

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open…

— Rodney Dangerfield

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

— Henny Youngman

If Obama had his way no one would win a football game. Each score would be distributed equally and everyone gets a…

— Rudy Espinoza

Prior to Wordsworth, humor was an essential part of poetry. I mean, they don't call them Shakespeare comedies for nothing.

— William Collins

If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones…

— Lord Chesterfield

“They hadn't read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather more attached to the experience of real life, which is that…

— Terry Pratchett

I guess what I always found funny was the human condition. There is a certain comedy and pathos to trouble and accidents.…

— John Prine

I love creating characters that are ridiculous and flawed. To me, the most important thing about comedy is the joy it can…

— Lauren Lapkus

“As the wind ripped through the flimsy protection offered by my hoodie, I began to realize the fairly hopeless situation I had…

— Tammy Blackwell

“Mrs. Margaret sigh heavy. Then she standing up, and starting make her own tea. She drink it in very thirsty way, like…

— Xiaolu Guo

“Two hours later he was ready to kill her. Even his outraged mind, however, recognized that murder was not a viable option,…

— Julia Quinn

“The word that comes to mind is 'beefcake', Zane drawled, looking Ty over, appreciating the view "Mission accomplished then!" Ty said happily…

— Abigail Roux

“What are you after?" ... "Well," said Zaphod airily, "It's partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think…

— Douglas Adams

In comedy there's a lot of drama, and in drama there's a lot of comedy. The two meet more than the word…

— Ayo Edebiri

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

— W. Somerset Maugham

There's some actors that go easily between drama and comedy because they play the naturalism of the role, and they just have…

— Nahnatchka Khan

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

— Alan King

Girl I gottagive you a mouth to mouth to make sure your breathing,for some strange everyone stop breathing when you walked in

— MrCountry

I have done comedy and romance. So I thought why not try negative roles too.

— Suniel Shetty

Models never say, "I'm hot." They say, "Look at these clothes." Whereas, with comedy, you have to say, "I'm hot."

— Neal Brennan

“Love is the antidote for all the fears, questions and worries that we accumulate in life.”

— Art Hochberg

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,…

— Mitch Hedberg

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

— Bob Newhart

“Falling in love is like that: you always feel like a dumbass at some point, even if you know it‘s coming —…

— Kevin Hearne

How come there's no terrorism with humor, which is a great way to humiliate your enemy? It's a great time for that.

— John Waters

Laughter is good medicine for the soul. Our world is desperately in need of more medicine.

— Jim Stovall

“What about that graveyard just down the road? Are all the Hilliards buried there?" "Just the dead ones.”

— Sonia Gensler

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

— Doug Stanhope

“I’d rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date.”

— Stephanie McAfee

Whenever I see 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels', a total comedy classic, I get the urge to feel the breeze of the south of…

— Gwyneth Paltrow

I'm not ashamed to tell the truth about what happened in my family. I think that's what makes my comedy different.

— Bernie Mac

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful…

— Mitch Hedberg

I think humor is like a shield that lets you get as close to the sad sad flame as possible - far…

— Alissa Nutting

“I'm going to get 'I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD' tattooed on my chest." "That will become inaccurate at some point, " Omar pointed out.”

— Domashita Romero

I have admired Melissa Pritchard's writing for several years now for its wisdom, its humble elegance, and its earthy comedy.

— Rick Moody

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor…

— Paula Poundstone

I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I'm the worst. I like physical comedy; it's where I feel comfortable.

— Malin Akerman