Humor Quotes · Page 465

I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.

— Iliza Shlesinger

“I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.” -Grandma Mazur”

— Janet Evanovich

“Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.”

— Kristin Cashore

It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce.

— George W. Bush

From my dad ... I think we have a similar sense of humor. I don't know if that's a good or bad…

— Jenna Bush

I have quite a dry sense of humour. It comes out when I'm feeling nervous.

— Phoebe Fox

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

— Anonymous

My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her.

— Mark Consuelos

“Girls find it rather fun to tease my about my height and the joy I find in the games boys play. Please.…

— Halina

“She looked over my shoulder once while I was texting, which was already annoying, and when I wrote lol she made a…

— Aimee Bender

You're taking big risks doing comedy, because ultimately, you're trying to be funny. If you're not funny, you look like an idiot.…

— Dominic Cooper

“We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she…

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“What do you do for fun in this town? Well, you know. Wash dishes. Wipe up baby drool, put a new quart…

— Nick Wilgus

“WILLMORE: Nay, if we part so, let me die like a Bird upon a Bough, at the Sheriff's Charge. By Heaven, both…

— Aphra Behn

“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk…

— Jarod Kintz

“Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta…

— George Carlin

“Do you want your scarf back?' I asked. 'No, just the girl who goes with it.' Oh my gosh, that guy knows…

— Robin Brande

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

— Sarah Silverman

“Sin: I've survived a winter in Siberia when I was ten. Boyd: what were you doing there at ten years old? Sin:…

— Santino Hassell

“Amber laughed. "What makes you think I'd marry you?" "What makes you think you'd have a choice?" "I'm not into bad guys,"…

— Jayde Scott

“Marvelous, isn’t it, how these Germans can shoot back at us even when they’re fucking dead.”

— Ken Follett

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

“I found a dead body in the cucumber patch,' I told them. 'How very like you,' Ophelia said, and went on preening…

— Alan Bradley

“The major difference between a relationship and a novel draft is that you hae control over your novel's outcome.”

— Jordan E. Rosenfeld

“But I am thinking like a lover, or like an ass: which I suppose is pretty nearly the same.”

— Charles Dickens

It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.

— Anonymous

“The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity. — RJPeters”

— R.J. Peters

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

— Bob Packwood

“But that's how it goes; you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.”

— Neil Gaiman

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

— steven wright

“Look at the first arch in a human and a shark, and you find a very similar state of affairs: jaws.”

— Neil Shubin

The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.

— Martin Luther

“You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.”

— Jayde Scott

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or…

— Sarah Silverman

For me, 'Jewishness' manifests within my humor, slang, cynicism, culinary tastes, and the spirit of generosity ingrained in me.

— Zoe Buckman

“His conscience smote him. As smitings go, it wasn't much, his conscience being in poor fighting condition.”

— Loretta Chase

“You already alone. If you want more alone, I can knock you into the middle of next week, and leave you there.”

— Toni Morrison

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

— Louis C. K

“I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.”

— Amy Summers

I think in order to understand what works dramatically, you have to have a sense of humor.

— Ayo Edebiri