Louis C. K

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

— Louis C. K

I don't have a brother in real life.

— Louis C. K

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

— Louis C. K

I love comedians. They're my community.

— Louis C. K

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

— Louis C. K

I was an awkward kid.

— Louis C. K

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

— Louis C. K

You can't direct without a good crew.

— Louis C. K

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

— Louis C. K

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

— Louis C. K

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

— Louis C. K

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

— Louis C. K

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

— Louis C. K

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

— Louis C. K

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

— Louis C. K

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

— Louis C. K

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that…

— Louis C. K

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people.…

— Louis C. K

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

— Louis C. K

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make…

— Louis C. K

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're…

— Louis C. K

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor,…

— Louis C. K

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just…

— Louis C. K

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's…

— Louis C. K

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're…

— Louis C. K

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking…

— Louis C. K

My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode…

— Louis C. K

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's…

— Louis C. K

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those…

— Louis C. K

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope…

— Louis C. K

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can…

— Louis C. K

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also -…

— Louis C. K

I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and…

— Louis C. K

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well,…

— Louis C. K

“It doesn't have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it's a social…

— Louis C. K

I learned that money can be a lot of things,It can be something that is hoarded, fought over, protected, stolen and withheld.…

— Louis C. K

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me…

— Louis C. K

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about…

— Louis C. K

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and…

— Louis C. K

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a…

— Louis C. K