What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you — Louis C. K Afterlife Copy Share Image
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. — Louis C. K Body Copy Share Image
When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having… — Louis C. K Good times Copy Share Image
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out… — Louis C. K Home Copy Share Image
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all… — Louis C. K Alive Copy Share Image
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away.… — Louis C. K Life Copy Share Image
You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're… — Louis C. K Fatherhood Copy Share Image
When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep.… — Louis C. K Father Copy Share Image
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also -… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those… — Louis C. K Candy Copy Share Image
I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes.… — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
“It's hard to really look at somebody and go: "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't-- I know too much… — Louis C. K Life Copy Share Image
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my… — Louis C. K Alcohol Copy Share Image
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like… — Louis C. K Actors Copy Share Image
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like… — Louis C. K Care Copy Share Image
My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something, — Louis C. K Ability Copy Share Image
Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority. — Louis C. K Inspirational Copy Share Image
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
