Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See? — Louis C. K Audience Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm… — Louis C. K Idiot Copy Share Image
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby… — Louis C. K Baby Copy Share Image
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make… — Louis C. K Belief Copy Share Image
I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people.… — Louis C. K Christmas Copy Share Image
If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen… — Louis C. K Argument Copy Share Image
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are… — Louis C. K Artist Copy Share Image
I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking… — Louis C. K Cities Copy Share Image
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're… — Louis C. K Christian Copy Share Image
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's… — Louis C. K Climbing Copy Share Image
My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
here's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.'… — Louis C. K Being real Copy Share Image
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
To me, there's a huge difference between criticism and reviewing. I really love reading good criticism of television and film. To me,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people… — Louis C. K America Copy Share Image
I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances. — Louis C. K Generation Copy Share Image
All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London? — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
