A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if… — Louis C. K Abuse Copy Share Image
I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people.… — Louis C. K Christmas Copy Share Image
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make… — Louis C. K Belief Copy Share Image
You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're… — Louis C. K Audience Copy Share Image
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those… — Louis C. K Candy Copy Share Image
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are… — Louis C. K Artist Copy Share Image
If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen… — Louis C. K Argument Copy Share Image
I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the… — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered… — Louis C. K Candy Copy Share Image
Working in TV and navigating success is a tricky thing. It's easier to navigate the hard work of starting out because you… — Louis C. K Choices Copy Share Image
To me, there's a huge difference between criticism and reviewing. I really love reading good criticism of television and film. To me,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people… — Louis C. K America Copy Share Image
If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor,… — Louis C. K Actors Copy Share Image
There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just… — Louis C. K Journalism Copy Share Image
If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out… — Louis C. K Home Copy Share Image
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm… — Louis C. K Idiot Copy Share Image
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby… — Louis C. K Baby Copy Share Image
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like… — Louis C. K Dad Copy Share Image
If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they… — Louis C. K Hate Copy Share Image
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff. — Louis C. K Cameras Copy Share Image
