Humor Quotes · Page 308

“I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard." "Well, that's your mistake,…

— Julie Kagawa

“I read the Cannibal Manifesto. The part where it says they like eating people is on page 289.”

— John Alejandro King aka The Covert Comic

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

— P. J. O'Rourke

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

— Chris Rock

“Not only is he mentally challenged, all he has is a couple of scary fangs and absolutely no idea what kind of…

— Jayde Scott

“No," Marcus says. "Yes, take it." "Don't want it." "Why so difficult, Marc?" "Who's Marc?" "You are." "Yeah? 'Sup, Gid?”

— Veronica Rossi

Laughter or crying is what a human being does when there's nothing else he can do.

— Kurt Vonnegut

“Disrespectful! My grandmothers are both dead." "Well, Jesus. What did they die of?" "Mom always said 'meddling'.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

“On verge of going apostrophic, taking foxglove, myrrh, mare's milk cure, shedding articles, shredding conjunctions, but can't shake prepositions.”

— Kate Campbell

“Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at... This guy comes up…

— Tim Hawkins

“Imagine that it's sugar," Korbyn said. 'You're riding across candy.' "Salt can never be sugar," Fennik said. "We should talk about the…

— Sarah Beth Durst

“Sorry, I didn’t know that you had a vagina, I’ll refrain from using vulgar words for now on. How about it smells…

— Katelin LaMontagne

The comedy for the Democrats is that they're showing off too much. They need to be putting a boring white guy out…

— Tina Fey

What I didn't really understand, but then I thought this makes perfect sense, as well - was how many people responded to…

— Joss Whedon

“Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon." "You noticed," said Simon. "I think of…

— Cassandra Clare

Yes, when you see for the first time, a great laughter arises in you - the laughter about the whole ridiculousness of…

— Rajneesh

“The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.”

— Lauren Leto

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

— David Sedaris

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam…

— Adam Ferrara

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

— Chris Rock

The beauty of comedy is, when people come to a comedy club, there is a certain veil of reality suspended.

— Carlos Mencia

A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

— Bible

“Try any way but you are not going to be happy unless you became my friend.”

— Rahul Bodkhe

“Being a Falconer is about saving the buggers even if they don't deserve it." - Farlan MacNeil”

— Edwin McRae

“His [Lord Peter's] long, amiable face looked as if it had generated spontaneously from his top hat, as white maggots breed from…

— Dorothy L. Sayers

“The catch about not looking a gift horse in the mouth is that it may be a Trojan horse.”

— David Seller

The Germans have a wonderful combination of pathos, energy, and humor. They are like Californians with an education.

— Joan Juliet Buck

I am one boob, you are the other boob and together? We are breast friends.

— Anonymous

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry…

— Zach Galifianakis

“The romantic is always intelligent, and I only meant to observe that although we have had foolish romantics, they don't count.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Because I work in comedy, I can't kick back and watch sitcoms as a form of leisure anymore.

— Esther Povitsky

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.

— Anonymous

“Don’t make a big deal out of a small deal - and you know everything is s small deal. Nothing is a…

— Art Hochberg

I have always thought of comedy as an important job and medium, and so I put pressure on myself to do the…

— Miranda Hart

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't see myself as part of an acting fraternity or a comedy fraternity.

— Ricky Gervais

Ayo and I started performing together and have done comedy shows in some of the wettest, stinkiest basements of all time.

— Rachel Sennott

“The apple doesn't fall far from the tree…unless that tree's growing on top of a hill.”

— John DePrey

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I usually balance out autobiography with goofy, amusing stuff to help keep the humour in my more serious work.

— Jeffrey Brown