So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
The edge of inappropriate is the spiritual home of the best stand-up comedy. — Frank Skinner Copy Share Image
“If ever there was something she needed to stick around and fight for, Luc was that something.” — Rachel Gibson Copy Share Image
“All this for two bad lines he could’ve gotten out of a fortune cookie?” — Zoe Forward Copy Share Image
“I wonder if a fish's One and only wish is That other fish will never say, "This fish is sure delicious!” — Brian Rock Copy Share Image
The Reformer is always right about what's wrong. However, he's often wrong about what is right. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.” — Kirstie Collins Brote Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
“No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant,… — Shannon Lyndsy Copy Share Image
“Kenneth was a sitting duck. In fewer than three years he would kneel alone in this very room, on the exact spot… — Jincy Willett Copy Share Image
What was significant about the laughter . . . was not just the fact that it provides internal exercise for a person… — Norman Cousins Copy Share Image
“Shira turned and blew kisses toward her clients who had pressed their faces against the salon window like children in a candy… — Terri Gillespie Copy Share Image
“Don't be so sure,' Cassie said. 'We're fighting for Mother Earth. She has some tricks up her sleeves.' 'Good grief,' Marco said.… — Katherine Applegate Copy Share Image
“This isn’t fucking funny.” He’s glaring at me now, and my face sobers. “Trust me, I know.” I swallow. “You’re very sweary.”… — Kristen Proby Copy Share Image
Brad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I'm asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love… — Angelina Jolie Copy Share Image
I like your boyfriend, Dahra said. Not many guys volunteer to carry ten gallons of diarrhea and vomit. Lana laughed. He's not… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt — Rod Schmidt Copy Share Image
“Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of… — J. Sterling Copy Share Image
“If the girl of my dreams want a man with a hairless chest, I better dream of another girl” — Haresh Daswani Copy Share Image
It's always comedy first on 'Will and Grace.' There was never any other agenda. — Sean Hayes Copy Share Image
English language would become poorer if words like 'apology', 'regret' and 'sorry' are withdrawn from usage. — Chandlrababu VS Copy Share Image
I still believe that the best art - be it music, comedy, painting, etc. - is the art that hasn't been asked… — Matt Berry Copy Share Image
Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them. — Arjun Loveable Copy Share Image
“One's theories, after all, matter little, it is one's humor that is the great thing.” — Henry James Copy Share Image
One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs. — Mireille Guiliano Copy Share Image
Watching Billy Connolly at the Hammersmith Apollo in the late 90s was a masterclass of long-form comedy. — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
“Sweetheart, the baby keeps you up all night , it’s definitely a boy.” He winks.” — Samantha Towle Copy Share Image
A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds. — Percy Ross Copy Share Image
“I think he could handle being used. It would be good for him. He's having trouble sleeping.” — Victoria Dahl Copy Share Image
“Life is a game I adore. I just wish someone had given me the rule book sooner.” — Dane Waters Copy Share Image
“The thing about growing old is that when you wake up with a new pain, you can just about count on it… — Marjorie Pay HInckley Copy Share Image
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse. — Frederick The Great Copy Share Image
“Why is it that a man always stops to admire another man's work at the worst possible time?” — James Flerlage Copy Share Image
“You took out a book on blow-job technique from the British Library? They shouldn't have books like that in there!” — Sarra Manning Copy Share Image
As for movies, what's great about comedy is that if your movie gets laughs and makes money, you have freedom. — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
I used to love my neighbors, then one day they put a fucking password on their WIFI — Avalon Copy Share Image
“If I were Mace Tyrell, I would sooner have Joffrey's head on a pike than his cock in my daughter.” — George R.R. Martin Copy Share Image
Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48.… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
