Humor Quotes · Page 171

“It is important to correct bad behavior one toe at a time.”

— Gasmaskman

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

— Oscar Wilde

The next time you think your perfect try walking on water.

— Anonymous

I can last two months on a good compliment.

— Mark Twain

“What the hell do you want from me?” “Spontaneous combustion.”

— Poppet

“As if the right hand knew what the right hand was doing.”

— John Alejandro King aka The Covert Comic

“I'm not a criminal,” said Paddington, hotly. “I'm a bear!”

— Michael Bond

I am all for jokes, I am all for laughter.

— Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

“I cringed as the band oozed into the next chord. If notes were cars, I think there was a D major under…

— Mary Hughes

“It’s hardly the time for sense, I should think, since nonsense has been serving us so well”

— E.J. Patten

Paltrow is a lovely, watchable actress. She has a likeable sense of humour in interviews.

— Grace Dent

“My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!”

— George Carlin

“I had no idea what I was paying James, but based on his picnic-assembling skills alone, he needed a raise.”

— Lish McBride

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

— Garrison Keillor

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

— Don Rickles

Yeah, race exists. Racism is still here, and it's doing well. Turn on the news. I don't think me and my comedy…

— Tracy Morgan

I've skewered whites, blacks, Hispanics, Christians, Jews, Muslims, gays, straights, rednecks, addicts, the elderly, and my wife. As a standup comic, it…

— Jeff Dunham

Imagine if youve got the diva of all divas. If weve got to be somewhere at five or six oclock, I tell…

— Nick Cannon

I think comedy is definitely a good thing, because it allows people to talk from their own lived experience and I think…

— Judi Love

Maybe I would get the chance to be financed for a small romantic comedy, but a war movie by a 28-year-old woman…

— Julie Delpy

“I walked across the two feet of drive to the lawn and stepped slowly onto the grass. It wasn't a wild grass,…

— Faith Hunter

“Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography…

— Alan Moore

“I could give you children,” said Jack, sounding faintly affronted. “You’d have to tell me how many heads you wanted them to…

— Seanan McGuire

“Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing…

— Brandon Sanderson

I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

— Anonymous

“If you doubt your sanity, is that proof?”

— James Qualls

“He was so cute when he was wrong...”

— Anne Taintor

Was ever woman in this humour wooed? Was ever woman in this humour won?

— William Shakespeare

The woman pays for the wedding because the man pays for the divorce.

— Logan Dunman

President Ford used humor a great deal.

— Robert Orben

Comedy is subjective, and any joke can be funny.

— Phoebe Robinson

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

— Frank Carson

Girls, if he only wants your breast, legs, and thighs. Send him to KFC.

— Anonymous

I'd say that comedy is my God-given gift.

— Senthil

“I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.”

— Starley Ard

“But at times, life is random if not downright stupid”

— Kevin Hart

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

— Rodney Dangerfield

“The little you have is the best you need to survive .”

— victor adeagbo

Dora think she's cute showing her belly. Slut.

— Anonymous

“Worrying is like praying for something bad to happen.”

— Sloane Tanen