Humor Quotes · Page 172

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

“If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady.”

— Poppet

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.

— Adam Sandler

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.

— Christopher Moore

“Words are funny things - They are free until you use them.”

— Darlenne Susan Girard

“A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I am absolutely at ease working in a comedy.

— Sanjeeda Sheikh

You never heard of a comedy team that didn't fight, did you?

— Bud Abbott

Anyone without a sense of humor is too pretentious to be a good magician.

— Anton Szandor LaVey

I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my bitch button and we'll be great

— Anonymous

“The old vacuum cleaner keeps dying on her over and over until at last the cleaning woman scares it by yelling: "Motherfucker!”

— Lydia Davis

“And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.”

— John Green

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

— Anonymous

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

— Craig Ferguson

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad…

— Anonymous

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.

— Lin Yutang

“One of his followers murmured agreement, but another quietly slipped away. Now there was Norton and four others. Maybe that wasn't so…

— Stephen King

It was sort of the first movie [The Specials ] where I really got to let my comedy freak flag fly. And…

— Rob Lowe

I see parody as another form of comedy. If you are making a comedy, there are a lot of different ways to…

— Bruce Campbell

“Stand right there. If your ass loses contact with that wall, you are going to lose contact with life as you have…

— Stephen King

“Perhaps you think you see a certain contradiction here? In that case, a word in your ear. Study your wife closely, for…

— Wilkie Collins

“By now I am sure you have guessed Peter's plan of escape, because you know a good deal more than Peyna did…

— Stephen King

“If it wasn't for curse words and grandoise hand gestures, I don't know if Brooklynites would even be able to communicate. In…

— Allison Robicelli

“He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I…

— Gena Showalter

“People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls”

— Josh Stern

About 14 percent of our nation's civilian workforce is foreign-born.

— George W. Bush

“One way to stay humble is to take a tumble.”

— Independent Zen

Americans aren't accepting of black humor, it's terrible.

— Marina Abramovic

We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.

— Shawn Wayans

But the LORD laughs at the wicked, for He knows their day is coming.

— Rhea May

A sense of humor makes a girl beautiful

— Brian

“Everybody wonders why he disappeared. I wonder why he came back.”

— David Levithan

My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt.

— George W. Bush

“Smile makes women smarter, humour makes men handsome.”

— Amit Kalantri

“It is easiest to accept that I am not made up to this thing.”

— Dr. Poison King

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

— Dave Attell

“I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy.”

— Ernest Cline

Laughter is always fatal to feeling.

— Amelia Barr

“I'm Canadian, so I'm an expert at mundane fatalism.”

— MCM

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

— Mitch Hedberg