Humor Quotes · Page 174

“Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.”

— Bill McKean

If you want to make god laugh, make a plan.

— Jay Baruchel

There is something funny about sports.

— Nate Bargatze

“If all the world's a stage, then it's missing a few planks.”

— John Fogarty

“Songwriting is a bitch. And then it has puppies”

— Steven Tyler

The chip that functions abnormally will be desoldered, as they say.

— Charles Stross

“And that is why You do not trifle with the Master of the Domain.”

— Sherry Thomas

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

— Anonymous

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

— Bob Packwood

“But that's how it goes; you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Look at the first arch in a human and a shark, and you find a very similar state of affairs: jaws.”

— Neil Shubin

“But I am thinking like a lover, or like an ass: which I suppose is pretty nearly the same.”

— Charles Dickens

“The major difference between a relationship and a novel draft is that you hae control over your novel's outcome.”

— Jordan E. Rosenfeld

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

“I found a dead body in the cucumber patch,' I told them. 'How very like you,' Ophelia said, and went on preening…

— Alan Bradley

“The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity. — RJPeters”

— R.J. Peters

“A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one…

— Kathy Griffin

I was very young when 'The Carol Burnett Show' came out, but that kind of comedy and the spontaneity of her, I…

— Sandra Oh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about…

— Daniel Tosh

“Aren't men funny? When they want to pay you the greatest compliment in their power, they naively tell you that you have…

— Jean Webster

If I see an audition for a show or a movie, I'll send a tape in. I attack it. The whole time,…

— Joey Diaz

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is…

— Jeffrey R. Holland

I'd say a lot of black comics were forced to do the black comedy circuit. I'd go into black comedy clubs and…

— Sinbad

A great horror film works as a communal experience more than almost anything else, except for maybe a comedy. That's something that…

— Ari Aster

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

— Anonymous

“Want to make God laugh? Tell him you have a plan.”

— Mimi Strong

Good things come to those who wait in ambush.

— Rock Cowles

“You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.”

— Buffy Andrews

I need a man with a good sense of humor and a kind heart.

— Joanna Krupa

“If wishes were horses, what the heck would I need wishes for?”

— Elisabeth Wheatley

“Just think of them as your little pets.”

— Renata Suerth

“like gravy on a biscut it's all good.”

— Espn

'Gremlins' is essential '80s comedy scary viewing.

— James Roday

I always become the most religious person the day before a test.

— Anonymous

The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them.

— George W. Bush

Behind every girl… Is a guy staring at her Ass.

— Emilio Vasquez

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

— Jerry Coleman

“A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored”

— Jun Mochizuki

I love comedy but I am Rajpal Yadav. I am not a comedian.

— Rajpal Yadav

People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson