Garrison Keillor

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

— Garrison Keillor

When in doubt, look intelligent.

— Garrison Keillor

God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.

— Garrison Keillor

I loved feeling special. I hated feeling special.

— Garrison Keillor

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

— Garrison Keillor

I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

— Garrison Keillor

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

— Garrison Keillor

All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?

— Garrison Keillor

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

— Garrison Keillor

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the…

— Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

— Garrison Keillor

A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.

— Garrison Keillor

I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.

— Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by…

— Garrison Keillor

That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers.

— Garrison Keillor

Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.

— Garrison Keillor

“That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are…

— Garrison Keillor

Humor is not about problems with airline luggage handlers. It's about our lives in America and it's about the ends of our…

— Garrison Keillor

Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is…

— Garrison Keillor

“Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve…

— Garrison Keillor

“My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept…

— Garrison Keillor

I talk in subjects and verbs, and sort of wind around in concentric circles until I get far enough away from the…

— Garrison Keillor

The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You…

— Garrison Keillor

“What would people think?' Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats.…

— Garrison Keillor

“I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison.…

— Garrison Keillor

We carry adolescence around in our bodies all our lives. Weget through the Car Crash Agealive and cruise through our early twenties…

— Garrison Keillor

Forget what you learned about poetry in school. (That it's complex, opaque, a problem to be solved in 1500 words by tomorrow.)…

— Garrison Keillor

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around…

— Garrison Keillor

On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard…

— Garrison Keillor

As a former English major, I am a sitting duck for Gift Books, and in the past few years I've gotten Dickens,…

— Garrison Keillor

“In TIME June 7, 2010 On the sustainability of the publishing industry, in the Chicago Tribune: "I think that book publishing is…

— Garrison Keillor

Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but…

— Garrison Keillor

A married guy is responsible for everything, no matter what. Women, thanks to their having been oppressed all these years, are blameless,…

— Garrison Keillor

“He takes a kitchen chair and sits in the yard and all the ducks come around. He holds up the cheese curls…

— Garrison Keillor

“I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to…

— Garrison Keillor

“And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities,…

— Garrison Keillor

We live a pleasant life shopping at the Food Shoppe . . . taking the kids to the Weinery-Beanery, . . .…

— Garrison Keillor

We are great mysteries. No matter what we imagine we may know, even for all the facts we might gather, we don't…

— Garrison Keillor

What keeps faith cheerful is the extreme persistence of gentleness and humor. Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith…

— Garrison Keillor

A person cannot coast along in old destructive habits year after year and accept whatever comes along. A person must stand up…

— Garrison Keillor