Funny Quotes · Page 865

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

— George Carlin

Let's decide who we're inviting to our wedding and who will never speak to us again.

— Anonymous

Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.

— William James

There are just so many funny kids and teenagers. They're just not aware of how funny they are.

— Vanessa Bayer

I want my tombstone to read YOU ARE HERE with a red arrow pointing down.

— Green Monk

Its a funny thing that when a man hasnt anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

— Green Monk

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.

— H. L. Hunt

Theres one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbors.

— Clyde Moore

“Sometimes we know people who are too wonderful for words. I am not one of them. Or you, for that matter, as…

— Michael Hogan

You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man…

— Pamela Anderson

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…

— Mitch Hedberg

In all my years as an actor, I had never been me - I had always hidden behind my glasses, mustaches and…

— Jon Pertwee

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings…

— Anonymous

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,…

— Bruce Baum

*On a roller coaster* Other People; AHHH! WOOOHOO! - Me: HOLY SHIT. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I'M GONNA DIE, GET…

— Amit Verma

“Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered.…

— Cindy Gerard

Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, Where the hell did that shirt go?

— Anonymous

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a...SORRY.

— Anonymous

I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I'll drop you back to test driver so fast it will make your bra snap.”

— Doug Solter

We are what we are because we have been what we have been.

— Sigmund Freud

Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.

— Limmy

“A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.”

— Michael Bassey Johnson

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

— Jim Norton

ProTip: Tell a girl she has nice lips and shell suck your dick right then and there.

— Nikhil Saluja

“There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.”

— Adam Rex

Don’t tell me how good you make it; tell me how good it makes me when I use it.

— Leo Burnett

I love when my parents saybring me my wallet and I'll give you some money.

— Anonymous

Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like Kidnappers asking to keep in touch after letting you go.

— Vicky

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

— Frank Carson

If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.

— Cybill Shepherd

If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.

— Calvin Trillin

Beware of bartering the Word of God for a more suitable conception of your own.

— Oswald Chambers

I've always maintained that people that are funny and smart can do anything in film.

— Jeff Baena

Optimal experience is thus something that we make happen.

— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast.

— Nikhil Saluja

Perfection is not to be attained, it is already within us.

— Swami Vivekananda

The only thing you fear is the unreality that you yourself have invented.

— Byron Katie

God will never reveal more truth about himself until you have obeyed what you know already

— Oswald Chambers