Funny Quotes · Page 867

Ask yourself not if this or that is expedient, but if it is right.

— Alan Paton

I don't whistle at you down the street. I would if I could, but I can't whistle you see.

— Elton John

I feel like I'm a cockroach when I'm sleeping on my back trying to get up

— Nikhil Saluja

Who says women cant think consistently? . . . . My wife thinks that she's just 20 for the past 15 years

— Green Monk

This must be a gift book. That is to say a book, which you wouldn't take on any other terms.

— Dorothy Parker

George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.

— Bill Cosby

Marriage...a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.

— Anonymous

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

— Tommy Cooper

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's…

— Jay Leno

“Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked. “No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority. “Thicketry?”…

— Anne Gracie

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's funny - people ask me that, and I don't…

— Mackenzie Rosman

It's so funny; I grew up in the Midwest, I have two older brothers, and you're just as competitive playing football as…

— Jose Pablo Cantillo

Some people think that when they say something and they think its funny but its not. They think that the person they…

— Anonymous

I swear, if someone says another, Why so serious pun on me one more time I will go murder Heath Ledger in…

— Ryan Cardenas

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when…

— Rita Rudner

It shouldn't be an issue that we have a black president. Gay marriage shouldn't be an issue. And women being funny shouldn't…

— Ari Graynor

I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car.

— Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Great knowledge is universal. Small knowledge is limited. Great words are inspiring; small words are chatter.

— Zhuangzi

If my love for bacon were my love for you then I would've loved you forever with no questions asked.

— Raghib Clitso

You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.

— Oliver Hardy

What you eat is the most political thing you do every day

— Jeanette Winterson

One quick way to destroy a society is through its music.

— Vladimir Lenin

You know it takes a big man to cry, but it takes even a bigger man to laugh at that man!

— Anonymous

“He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here”

— Jessica Verday

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

— Adam Ferrara

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.

— Benjamin Franklin

Everybody's got creativity. You just get more of it [when you meditate].

— David Lynch

Every time my grandparents sleep over, they snore through the night.

— Anonymous

Ultimately, you just have one life. You never know unless you try. And you never get anywhere unless you ask.

— Kate Winslet

You were born at home, but when your mother saw you she went to the hospital.

— Anonymous

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

— Jim Jefferies

We are prepared for some things, and we receive just as fast as we prepare ourselves.

— Brigham Young

I was the little, funny one. I felt I was the child among grown women.

— Julie Walters

Comedy wasn't something I chose - it chose me. I was just inherently funny when I was a kid.

— Pauly Shore

“Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don’t quite understand all the bending that needs to happen.”

— Erica Goros

Daylight Savings Time is an Indiangiver. It gives an hour, then it takes it back.

— Laura S

Allow yourself to see what you don’t allow yourself to see.

— Milton H. Erickson

Our goal is to discover that we have always been where we ought to be

— Aldous Huxley

If you can call a Chevrolet a Chev, why can't you call a Japanese a Jap?

— Harold Ballard

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza

— Anonymous