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Thing Quotes by Jack Handey
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…
- One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
- If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that…
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and…
- If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing…
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have…
- I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling…
- Whenever I need to "get away", I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and…
- One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd…
- Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
- You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even…
- I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before…
- To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,…
- I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey…
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,…
- I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try…
- You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just…
More Thing Quotes
- It is in the very nature of things human that every act that has once made its appearance and has been recorded… — Hannah Arendt
- I went through a phase where I thought nostalgia was a bad thing. — Dario Argento
- I do think the heart can balance out the mind, if your heart is in a good place it can give you… — Alexis Arguello
- I believe more in precision, when you have the capability, like when you see a mosquito fly and you're able to hit… — Alexis Arguello
- As a kid, 'Star Wars' was much more my thing than 'Star Trek' was. — J. J. Abrams
- Pitching is always a weird, difficult thing. — J. J. Abrams
- It is the role of good journalism to take on powerful abusers, and when powerful abusers are taken on, there's always a… — Julian Assange
- Bad things are not the worst things that can happen to us. Nothing is the worst thing that can happen to us! — Richard Bach
- A real man loves his wife, and places his family as the most important thing in life. Nothing has brought me more… — Frank Abagnale
- The thing about punk is that there are purists. Once you start going outside of that, they don't think what you're doing… — Billie Joe Armstrong
- The thing is, acoustic could be like a four-letter word to a lot of kids. — Billie Joe Armstrong
- In every song I write, whether it's a love song or a political song or a song about family, the one thing… — Billie Joe Armstrong