Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. — Jack Nicklaus
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a… — Chi Chi Rodriguez
I don't exaggerate - I just remember big. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. — Chi Chi Rodriguez
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. — Sam Snead
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. — Brian Weiss
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches… — Axl Rose
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. — Adi Da
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the… — Tommy Cooper
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms,… — Jerry Seinfeld
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' — Jack Handey
La cucaracha, la cucaracha, Ya no quieres caminar, Porque no tienes, Porque le falta, Marihuana que fumar. — Pancho Villa
Find something only you can say — James Dickey
To see far is one thing, going there is another. — Constantin Brancusi
If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell. — David Cook
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. — Mark Twain
When you talk, you repeat what you already know; when you listen, you often learn something. — Jared Sparks
War cannot be humanized. It can only be abolished. — Albert Einstein
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. Thats basic spelling that every woman ought to know. — Unknown Author
Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? — Unknown Author
Corruptisima republica plurimae leges. — Tacitus

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: