Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

Very few of us are what we seem. — Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
Everything that has existed, lingers in the Eternity. — Agatha Christie
Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend. — Agatha Christie
Never do anything yourself that others can do for you. — Agatha Christie
Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog… — Steve Allen
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. — Winston Churchill
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. — Winston Churchill
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. — Winston Churchill
A joke is a very serious thing. — Winston Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. — Winston Churchill
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. — Winston Churchill
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. — Winston Churchill
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability… — Winston Churchill
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. — Winston Churchill
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. — Winston Churchill
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. — Winston Churchill
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. — Winston Churchill
The short words are best, and the old words are the best of all. — Winston Churchill
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. — Winston Churchill
We do not covet anything from any nation except their respect. — Winston Churchill
Eating words has never given me indigestion. — Winston Churchill
The day will happen whether or not you get up. — John Ciardi
Intelligence recognizes what has happened. Genius recognizes what will happen. — John Ciardi

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: