Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. — Arthur C. Clarke
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. — Woody Allen
Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? — Kelly Clarkson
I don't really exude that 'it' factor. — Kelly Clarkson
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen
I've loved my 20s, but I would never repeat them. — Kelly Clarkson
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. — Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking… — Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. — Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. — Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. — Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. — Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. — Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. — Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. — Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. — Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. — Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. — Woody Allen
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. — Woody Allen

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: