Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how… — Elayne Boosler
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. — Elayne Boosler
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? — Elayne Boosler
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. — Elayne Boosler
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. — Elayne Boosler
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They… — Elayne Boosler
I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear. — David Boreanaz
Women will change the corporation more than we expect. — Anita Borg
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year. — Victor Borge
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. — Victor Borge
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. — Victor Borge
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. — Victor Borge
Never, ever become a writer. It's a nightmare. — Alain de Botton
Right now I'm pretty single... My career is my boyfriend. — Christina Aguilera
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? — Christina Aguilera
I always wanted to have my own album released before I graduated from high school. — Christina Aguilera
Anyone who doesn't have a great time in San Francisco is pretty much dead to me. — Anthony Bourdain
I can unload my opinion on anybody at anytime. — Anthony Bourdain
I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures. — Christina Aguilera
I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take. — Anthony Bourdain

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: