Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? — Tom Brady
I've had just about everything punched. I've had things grabbed that just shouldn't be grapped. — Tom Brady
When you get to know someone, you find there's something nasty in their woodshed. — Jo Brand
I just don't like travelling very much. — Jo Brand
I don't like doing stand-up, because I don't like standing up. — Jo Brand
I thought I was funny as a kid. — Jo Brand
I'd love to live in Kent but it's all a question of work. — Jo Brand
It's actually very hard when you're settled in one place to completely uproot yourself and go. — Jo Brand
Privatisation splits hospital services into increasingly small packages. — Jo Brand
The funny thing is, I don't actually think of myself as fat at all. I don't think I am. Not really. — Jo Brand
I thought I was funny as a kid. I used to play tricks on my brothers - I'd tie a two-shilling piece to a bit… — Jo Brand
If I am totally honest, I would have to say that ''Allo 'Allo!' was not my cup of tea, even though lots of people loved… — Jo Brand
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly… — Jo Brand
Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say,… — Jo Brand
Some of us find our lives abridged even before the paperback comes out. — Berkeley Breathed
I'm not locked into playing one guy. — Jeff Bridges
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and… — Matthew Broderick
Privacy is not something that I'm merely entitled to, it's an absolute prerequisite. — Marlon Brando
We've never been anti-Semitic. — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on… — Richard Branson
Fortunately, Iranians are politically active worldwide. — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Global equations undergo changes, this is their nature. — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
We are a nation of laws, and we will always act within the bounds of the law. — John O. Brennan
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. — David Brenner
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: