Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

Modernity is a qualitative, not a chronological, category. — Theodor Adorno
About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. — Josh Billings
I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to… — Josh Billings
I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. — Josh Billings
You must understand, I don't have to be happy to be happy. — Juliette Binoche
When it gets down to it, basketball is basketball. — Larry Bird
I've been around a while. I kinda know these things. — Larry Bird
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. — Jim Bishop
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. — Jim Bishop
A newspaper is lumber made malleable. It is ink made into words and pictures. It is conceived, born, grows up and dies of old age… — Jim Bishop
I am one of the most idiosyncratic people around. — Bjork
It's funny how the hippies and the punks tried to get rid of the conservatives, but they always seem to get the upper hand in… — Bjork
Nature is our chapel. — Bjork
You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow. — Jack Black
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. — Lewis Black
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. — Lewis Black
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. — Lewis Black
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. — Lewis Black
Everybody's got cable. — Lewis Black
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. — Lewis Black
I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. — Lewis Black
I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. — Lewis Black
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I… — Lewis Black
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. — Lewis Black
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. — Lewis Black

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: