Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go… — Jack Benny
Even if one is interested only in one's own society, which is one's prerogative, one can understand that society much better by comparing it with… — Peter L. Berger
A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man. — Cyrano de Bergerac
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. — Alfred Adler
I hope I never get so old I get religious. — Ingmar Bergman
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. — Ingrid Bergman
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. — Ingrid Bergman
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. — Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation. — Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. — Milton Berle
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? — Milton Berle
My difficulties belong to me! — Alfred Adler
Who are you to condemn another's sin? He who condemns sin becomes part of it, espouses it. — Georges Bernanos
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. — Yogi Berra
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. — Yogi Berra
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. — Yogi Berra
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. — Yogi Berra
I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. — Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by just watching. — Yogi Berra
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. — Yogi Berra
It's like deja-vu, all over again. — Yogi Berra

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: