Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned. — Michael Bay
When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he… — Roseanne Barr
Living in Cambridge, with nature and everything, it's so clean. — Syd Barrett
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. — Joey Adams
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. — Joey Adams
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. — Joey Adams
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. — Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. — Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. — Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. — Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. — Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. — Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. — Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. — Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. — Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. — Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. — Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find… — Dave Barry
I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up. — Lynda Barry

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: