Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. — Ronnie Barker
I looked Death right in the face. — Travis Barker
I was in a band called Hooker for a while. — Travis Barker
Bill Stevenson of The Descendants is really good, too. — Travis Barker
I like Steve Gadd, everything he did with Steely Dan. There's so many. I like everything. — Travis Barker
Playing my drums is therapy. — Travis Barker
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. — Charles Barkley
But what do we know of the heart nearest to our own? What do we know of our own heart? — Amelia Barr
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel. — Roseanne Barr
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? — Roseanne Barr
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. — Roseanne Barr
I was completely nuts for most of my life. — Roseanne Barr
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. — Roseanne Barr
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. — Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. — Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. — Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. — Dave Barry
Those men get along best with women who can get along best without them. — Charles Baudelaire

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: