Funny Quotes
52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors
-
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
— Thomas Beecham
-
There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.
— Thomas Beecham
-
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
— Thomas Beecham
-
We are always doing something for posterity, but I would fain see posterity do something for us.
— Joseph Addison
-
Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?
— Henry Ward Beecher
-
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
— Brendan Behan
-
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
— Brendan Behan
-
There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
— Brendan Behan
-
All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.
— Brendan Behan
-
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
— George Ade
-
Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life.
— Aphra Behn
-
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
— Alexander Graham Bell
-
I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.
— Adele
-
I'm nervous whenever I perform.
— Adele
-
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.
— Hilaire Belloc
-
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
— Saul Bellow
-
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.
— Konrad Adenauer
-
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
— Robert Benchley
-
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
— Robert Benchley
-
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
— Robert Benchley
-
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
— Robert Benchley
-
I leave from where the apostle arrived.
— Pope Benedict XVI
-
Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.
— Arnold Bennett
-
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
— Jack Benny
-
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
— Jack Benny
Who Wrote These Funny Quotes
14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: