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Portrait of Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik

(1978) Television Actor United States

204 quotes in 1017 categories

Anthony Jeselnik is a television actor from the United States.

Quick Facts About Anthony Jeselnik

Born: December 22, 1978
Nationality: United States
Profession: Television Actor

About Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik is an American comedian, writer, actor, and producer. He is known for his dark comedy style, which emphasizes ironic misdirection, non sequiturs, biting insults, an arrogant demeanor, and a stage persona that frequently takes amoral stances.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik · Page 5

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I…

Anthony Jeselnik

Care

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I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Baby

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It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the…

Anthony Jeselnik

Audience

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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

Anthony Jeselnik

Blades

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Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve…

Anthony Jeselnik

Clip

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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping…

Anthony Jeselnik

Emulate

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The world is full of horrible things...

Anthony Jeselnik

Horrible

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I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People…

Anthony Jeselnik

About

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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation…

Anthony Jeselnik

Always trying

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The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No…

Anthony Jeselnik

Death

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God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Inspirational

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I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of…

Anthony Jeselnik

Austin

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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Anthony Jeselnik

Boys

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With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not…

Anthony Jeselnik

Big break

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Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie,…

Anthony Jeselnik

Cancer

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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Anthony Jeselnik

Comedian

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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one…

Anthony Jeselnik

Accidents

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In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a…

Anthony Jeselnik

Being funny

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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a…

Anthony Jeselnik

Cents

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I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Anthony Jeselnik

Chicks

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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a…

Anthony Jeselnik

Baby

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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,…

Anthony Jeselnik

Couple

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That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were…

Anthony Jeselnik

About

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My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Anthony Jeselnik

Marriage

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My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Anthony Jeselnik

Baby

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Anthony Jeselnik by topic

Humor (35) Thinking (34) People (32) Jokes (28) Funny (27) Ifs (25) Girlfriend (23) My girlfriend (20) Way (18) Want (17) Knows (17) Years (14) Writing (14) Time (14) Comedy (14)