“Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.” — Jarod Kintz Beat Copy Share Image
“I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.” — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.” — Jarod Kintz Having kids Copy Share Image
“I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t beat around the bush. Especially since I like my women clean shaven.” — Jarod Kintz Clean shaven Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you had a clone, I wouldn’t care which one of you two I dated. It’d be the same thing to me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t leave me with her. What if her car breaks down, she’s a killer, or she brushes her teeth with mayonnaise?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad.… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say… — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“His last name was Gum, and I wanted to chew him out. But I’ll save that for the Federal Reserve, who are… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing… — Jarod Kintz Credit card Copy Share Image
“I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d… — Jarod Kintz Bank account Copy Share Image
“If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind… — Jarod Kintz Worldly possessions Copy Share Image
“The best part about bowling is pouring in the cereal and the milk. I’ve always believed bowlers make better lovers, because of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the… — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel.… — Jarod Kintz Condolences Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A… — Jarod Kintz Big idea Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work. People… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
