For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting… — Drew Magary Copy Share Image
My mother taught me what it is to have a sense of humour; my dad, who was a headmaster, everything you need… — James Nesbitt Copy Share Image
“She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar.” — Poppet Copy Share Image
I got my passport aplications sent back. Apparantly then question place of birth? Between my mother's legs isn't acceptable. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that means Poor Justin!” — Sarah Strohmeyer Copy Share Image
Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think. — Betty White Copy Share Image
I love watching audiences scream. I imagine it's the same joy that a director feels who has made a comedy when he… — Leigh Whannell Copy Share Image
It takes something to get married: nerve, hope, a strong desire to make a certain statement - and it takes something to… — Amy Bloom Copy Share Image
“Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my legs.… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Modern party-dance is simply writhing to suggestive music. It is ridiculous, silly to watch and excruciatingly embarrassing to perform. It is ridiculous,… — David Foster Wallace Copy Share Image
“The lord giveth and most women piss it away. Perhaps this is why they lack the equipment to aim.” — paula wall Copy Share Image
“Not again, Draper," Frank sighed. "You're not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the… — Randy Quarles Copy Share Image
It needs to be said that sometimes my mom forgets important details when she talks. Like the time she told us she… — Bill Konigsberg Copy Share Image
“My Corolla, sorry to report, was mortally wounded in the attack. There were no funeral plans at this time.” — Heather Webber Copy Share Image
“My brain is full of bullshit but I always try to sort it out into humor.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think humor is such a personal thing, and you put a microphone in somebody's face, they're going to say something that… — Jane Lynch Copy Share Image
“Another note to self; turn cellphone to silent when you’re trying to be sneaky.” — Suzie Ivy Copy Share Image
Religion is indeed the opiate of the masses. Except for Islam, its more like Crystal Meth. — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
“John Longridge, the cook at Harley-street, had suffered from low spirits for more than thirty years, and he was quick to welcome… — Susanna Clarke Copy Share Image
Nothing says 'I suck at technology,' more than a sideways profile picture. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“What looks good to you?” he asked as if we were out for ice cream. Rocky road or pistachio? Like my Corvette… — Leesa Freeman Copy Share Image
“Leila. Schoolgirls are like sports cars. They're nice to look at, but they're impractical. In the end, they don't do what you… — Lucy V. Morgan Copy Share Image
“The whole of the realm denies it, brother," said Renly. "Old men deny it with their death rattle, and unborn children deny… — George R.R Martin Copy Share Image
Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Given his personality, I’d say exorcism makes perfect sense as a favored pastime.” — Nicki Elson Copy Share Image
“Baboons, I observed. One with a big gun and the other with a big mouth, and both with alpha-sized, flaming pink asses.” — A.J. Aalto Copy Share Image
“Phury was the only other possibility, but he was a celibate with a broken frickin' heart. Not really man-whore material.” — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
I did not intend to write a funny book, at first. I did not know I was a humorist. I have never… — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
