I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship' — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!' — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people? — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
