My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
