I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
