Funny Quotes · Page 957

I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss…

— Nick Cave

Happy Memorial Day to someone who gets post-traumatic stress from watching Saving Private Ryan in HD.

— Anonymous

“He grinned at Azriel. 'You handing Eris's ass to him will be my new fantasy at night, by the way.' Azriel didn't…

— Sarah J. Maas

There is nothing wrapped in my turban but God,

— Mansur Al-Hallaj

Quality starts in the boardroom.

— W. Edwards Deming

If my mum or my wife says that something isn't funny, I know I've struck gold.

— Peter Kay

“I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley." "Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!" "I…

— Marsha Altman

Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think.

— Betty White

It's hard for me to say I love you because the word you isn't beer or sex or football.

— Nikhil Saluja

Football is business and business is business.

— Rinus Michels

Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.

— Seth MacFarlane

I'm going to listen to John Elway. He knows what he's talking about.

— Tim Tebow

It's kind of a funny way to put it, but if you want to study a dynamic economic system, what you'd like…

— Lars Peter Hansen

“There's something I gotta tell you," he said in a confidential tone as he leaned toward her. His face was close to…

— Karen Robards

I can never pick up a thing without wishing to improve it.

— Thomas A. Edison

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

— Nikhil Saluja

My dream was to be either a volleyball player or a veterinarian.

— Gisele Bundchen

It cannot be considered success unless you are smiling.

— Joe De Sena

Be rather bountiful, than expensive.

— William Penn

There is nothing small in the service of God.

— Saint Francis de Sales

If your thinking is limited, your life will be limited.

— Joel Osteen

Caring for someone is easy but to make someone care for you is difficult¦ So never lose the one who really cares…

— Green Monk

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

— Mark Twain

In my world, everything has the potential to be funny. Joyful things, painful things... It's all about how you view it and…

— Jinkx Monsoon

Any enjoyment is weakened when shared.

— Marquis de Sade

“Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.”

— Robyn Carr

Any fool can carry on, but a wise man knows how to shorten sail in time.

— Joseph Conrad

I know I'm right, and I know you're wrong.

— Laura Schlessinger

“Naomi's my girlfriend," I say aloud, just to test the words, see how they feel fucking across my lips. Ronnie flips a…

— C.M. Stunich

'Mrs Funnybones' is based and structured around my columns, and it's about how a modern woman looks at India and how India…

— Twinkle Khanna

Wouldnt it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we dont like.

— Jeremy G

I would hate to be a pencil. getting sharpened, having to write all the time, different people holding you, erasing with your…

— Emma Runyan

I do recall that El Cap seemed to be in much better condition than I was,

— Warren G. Harding

I remain at your disposal, always use me. - DustBin

— Nikhil Saluja

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

— Denis Leary

“Gram was flirting with Ken!”

— Virginia Smith

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac

— Green Monk

In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature the oldest.

— Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

Her legs gotta be a rumor cause she be spreading them everywhere

— IG:catone_2_funny

Are we done with law school yet? Seriously, we've been sitting here for years.

— Anonymous