There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!?… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
Four miracles of womanhood: getting wet without taking a shower; bleeding without getting hurt; giving milk without eating grass; and making boneless… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting. — Harold Evans Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you're on top of the world.… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so… — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
Michael Jackson died at 58,Whitney Houston at 48,John F. Kennedy at 38,Amy Winehouse at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again? 18 Right? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
What intrigued me about him was his intelligence, his humor. I'd been all over the world. I had started a career. At… — Cindy McCain Copy Share Image
“Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his… — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, whenever I'm working on something, I kind of forget there's a lot of people watching. It makes it… — Michiel Huisman Copy Share Image
“You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
Welcome to facebook, where you can stalk your exes, freak out your frends, and go from normal to bi polor in 30 secounds! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“That, and you have quite the temper." I play fully punched his arm. "Watch it, before you really feel my wrath.” — August Westman Copy Share Image
“But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself… — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
Studies clearly indicate that those who get 'Get Well' cards sooner and more often have a 80% faster recovery rate, so I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Height of Addiction: Just b4 a prisoner was ready to be hanged to death the officer asked him about his last wish..!!… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view,… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I feel slighted for not being invited to your wedding that I would have totally ruined with drunken antics or not gone… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
All of my family members have had moments where they're upset with me because I'll cavalierly write a story just to be… — Adam F. Goldberg Copy Share Image
Mom: Have you seen my daughters? guy: The really tall one and the short black one? MOM: Yeah!! thats them, where are… — Amber Smith Copy Share Image
Learning to code is the single best thing anyone can do to get the most out of the amazing future in front… — Marc Andreessen Copy Share Image
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything… — Steve Harvey Copy Share Image
This Independence Day you're invited to my house where a large gathering of people will proudly display their dependence on drugs and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It wasn't that funny, but I laughed. There wouldn't be much laughter in the world if people didn't like each other, because… — John Barnes Copy Share Image
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this… — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
I come across as a very serious and mature girl but there is also a mad and funny side to me which… — Neha Pendse Copy Share Image
I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty… — Michael Jordan Copy Share Image
You know, it's funny... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think… — Pete Fountain Copy Share Image
I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“I launched into my speech, it took me a few seconds to realize that the only one listening was max (the dog)… — Sammi Carter Copy Share Image
Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate… — Beth Ditto Copy Share Image
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
“Just look at the fellow, standing there like a bloody Greek god. Do you think she chose him because of his intellect?”… — Lisa Kleypas Copy Share Image
