According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are movies that I love tonally, that I would love to emulate. Anything from Wes Anderson or the Coen brothers is… — Sam Huntington Copy Share Image
He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and… — Sydney Smith Copy Share Image
Women fake headaches to get out of having sex with their man, and men fake not being married to have sex with… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If you think Independence Day is Americas defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title, hands-down. — Tony Snow Copy Share Image
I kept getting these little messages through friends: 'Chuck Cannon thinks you are really cute.' And, 'Would you go out with him?'… — Lari White Copy Share Image
“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of them.' 'I know you're not.' 'I just- being near them, together...' She shoved her hands into her pockets.… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
My kind of wanting to be funny didn't come from need, necessarily. The closest I can analyze it is that it was… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
One of the worrying aspects of anxiety is you start to think, 'It's what makes me interesting or funny.' But it's actually… — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
If anyone needs a friend, there's 100 steps between us, I'll take the first steps :) ... you can take 99, I'm pretty lazy. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes… — Larry the Cable Guy Copy Share Image
You don't think that mean people can be funny, and Jane Lynch is the epitome of that. If there could be, like,… — Alex Newell Copy Share Image
Dear person sitting next to me, just because I didnt hear you fart doesnt mean you didn't sincerly the only other person… — Unkown Copy Share Image
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
On my Nickelodeon shows - 'Victorious' is my seventh show for the channel - there's this same distinct comedic voice that goes… — Dan Schneider Copy Share Image
“At least one person is going to be naked,' I say. 'You know it's true. I've never been to a single revel… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Racism is when u select ur white shirts to wash first before the black ones,SAY NO to RACISM, wash them together — Sweetner Copy Share Image
“I might be an arse but nobody deserves to be drinking double vodka on their own in the middle of the day,”… — Raven Elliot O'Connor Copy Share Image
God will forgive me. It's his job." Heine said this on his deathbed (1856). Hilarious. He must have thought that up years… — Heinrich Heine Copy Share Image
I act completely normal around my parents. But as soon as I'm with my friends, I'm like the energizer bunny, on crack... — Green Monk Copy Share Image
ITS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN MAKE SILENT HAPPINESS TO OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR NONE SENSE ACTIONS. BECAUSE SOMETHINGS IT MAYBE LITTLE… — NO VOICE Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is… — Les Dawson Copy Share Image
“He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair and smiled. “Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.” “Just point me… — Jamie McGuire Copy Share Image
I think when 'The Simpsons' first came on, there was an uproar. People got used to it. They realized the show's really… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
“How could I not fall in love with him," she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Okay seriously.. to all you girls out there, after you give a blowjob to us don't try and kiss us alright? Your… — Mitchell Sakundiak Copy Share Image
God has not created woman only for fulfilling the physical need of man; rather, He has created her as a life partner… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
It cannot be called freedom, a freedom which can choose only the right and not the wrong; then that is not freedom. — Rajneesh Copy Share Image
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesnt live like the previous generation. It hasnt yet given… — Ron Klugman Copy Share Image
“So...Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight...Love.… — Zack Love Copy Share Image
“Ahh . . . maybe we should be going,” Shane said. “Ditch the shoes, Eve. We’ll be running now.” “I love these… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
See Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
