Les Dawson

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

— Les Dawson

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void…

— Les Dawson

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

— Les Dawson

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

— Les Dawson

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

— Les Dawson

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

— Les Dawson

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

— Les Dawson

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void…

— Les Dawson

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

— Les Dawson

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should…

— Les Dawson

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

— Les Dawson

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a…

— Les Dawson

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal…

— Les Dawson

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

— Les Dawson

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault -…

— Les Dawson

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

— Les Dawson

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

— Les Dawson

I know my name will always be linked with women.

— Les Dawson

“He was so short-sighted that he wore braille socks.”

— Les Dawson

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

— Les Dawson

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

— Les Dawson

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and…

— Les Dawson

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

— Les Dawson

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I…

— Les Dawson

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She…

— Les Dawson