That moment when someone calls your bestfriend their bestfriend and your like , NO. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was. — George Burns Copy Share Image
Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change? — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Girl: Take the condom off ! Boy: Why? Girl: YOLO. Boy: Okay, but if you get pregnant, YOYO. Girl: What's that ?… — Giftthabest Copy Share Image
Earl Hebner used to call me 'Tiger,' so I went with the last name Woods because I thought it was funny. I'm… — Xavier Woods Copy Share Image
John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he… — Stephen Merchant Copy Share Image
The role of a comedian is to go in and make something funny. That might be a situation where I'm writing, a… — Wyatt Cenac Copy Share Image
You got to find a woman that can cook. How you gonna last 50 or 60 yrs?.. Most people say, well we'll… — Phil Robertson Copy Share Image
The gates of thought, - how slow and late they discover themselves! Yet when they appear, we see that they were always… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
