Funny Quotes · Page 67

I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny.

— Lisa Lampanelli

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be…

— Golda Meir

Plan your work - work your plan

— B. C. Forbes

Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond.

— Miguel de Cervantes

Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to…

— Lyndon B. Johnson

SARCASM the body's natural defense against stupidity.

— Anonymous

It's funny how much of the 'old times' are still rooted in modern America.

— Dave Myers

When you have everything, you have everything to lose.

— Ben Harper

Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary? Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR & Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR

— Sadie

Clary," Jace said again. "You know: short, redheaded, bad temper.

— Cassandra Clare

Get in over your head as often and as joyfully as possible.

— Alexander Isley

Happy 21st Your're adopted!!

— Anonymous

Domestic violence... Entertaining men since the stone age.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is no frigate like a book

— Emily Dickinson

Let's celebrate an Italian man who spread even more STDs than the cast of Jersey Shore.

— Anonymous

I don't like museums; there's nothing to buy.

— Violet Trefusis

You only live once, for a very short time. So make every second devine.

— Mitch Lucker

I'll never do that again!

— Grete Waitz

Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.

— Anonymous

Poetry holds the knowledge that we are alive and that we know we're going to die,

— Marie Howe

Do you believe in life after love?

— Cher

I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part!

— Robert Knepper

Are the things around you helping you toward success, or are they holding you back?

— W. Clement Stone

Nothing is more tiresome than a superannuated pedagogue.

— Henry Adams

A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.

— Morris Fishbein

There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.

— Jerry Coleman

I'd get a lot more sleep if I didn't insist on reading the entire internet every night.

— Nikhil Saluja

Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

— Flip Wilson

There are parts of me I only recognize from photographs.

— Sarah Kay

We possess art lest we perish of the truth.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Out of all the airports that are out there only about 5 percent have commercial service.

— Chris Brown

He who hears not me but the logos will say: All is one.

— Heraclitus

Enjoy your time in that extremely sketchy place.

— Anonymous

Some people are like clouds. Once they bug off, its a beautiful day.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Pray as if it's up to God, work as if it's up to you.

— Oprah Winfrey

Keep your selfie to your selfie.

— Green Monk

You've only got to be in public life for about a week before you start to question if the newspapers are even…

— Jonathan Lynn

God is with us, not beyond us, in suffering.

— Christian Wiman

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

— Nikhil Saluja

More and more I’ve become convinced that the great treasure to possess is the unknown.

— P. L. Travers