Funny Quotes · Page 65

“don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male”

— Keisha Keenleyside

There is good government when those who are near are made happy, and when those who are afar are attracted.

— Confucius

Im shy at first, but once Im comfortable with you get ready for some crazy shit.

— Nate

Half the people you know are below average.

— Anonymous

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

— Kristen Schaal

Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.

— Anonymous

You are either withholding your love in fear or giving your deepest gifts.

— David Deida

“I'm taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid ." "I meant in feet," she clarified.…

— Karen Marie Moning

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Discipline is doing within, while you do without.

— Denis Waitley

“Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.”

— Bauvard

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

— Joan Rivers

The better I get, the more I realize how much better I can get.

— Martina Navratilova

I am excited and honored for the chance to sing the music of the iconic women I grew up idolizing, alongside three…

— Diana DeGarmo

Hold on to 16 as long as you can,

— John Mellencamp

Welcome to science. You’re gonna like it here.

— Phil Plait

I couldn't get through Mondays without knowing you're equally miserable

— Anonymous

Love finds us where we are, not where we were.

— Bob Goff

You have to learn to hallucinate,

— Bob Hoskins

LOVE SONG, a caress set to music

— Nikhil Saluja

A museum is a reminder to us of how stupid we are.

— Vikrant Parsai

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.…

— Mark Twain

Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but…

— Phoebe Robinson

So, Ladies. I want a logical explanation on why ya'll love these dreaded, tatted ,thugs , who have no future. Explain this…

— Christian Heggs

I was at a dinner party with a group of people, and we were talking about fake names. You know, how its…

— Paul Rudd

Nothing you can't spell will ever work.

— Will Rogers

The conundrum that I face on a daily basis is that I have two sons who have grown up watching 'The Simpsons,'…

— Matt Groening

My friend and I founded the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival to counter the negative images of Arabs in media. And we…

— Maysoon Zayid

Only that which can be switched, can be.

— Friedrich Kittler

After all, we are nothing more or less than we choose to reveal.

— Sylvia Plath

Facebook is the second popular word that begins with F and ends with K

— Anonymous

You actually have friends? 'Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.'

— Anonymous

Limited faith, limited future. Unlimited faith, unlimited future.

— Rick Warren

“We didn't kiss," I said. Jules cocked an eyebrow. "We brushed lips.”

— Leila Howland

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?!

— Anonymous

The only thing Oriental about me is my face,

— Soong May-ling

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

— Mitch Hedberg

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking…

— P. J. O'Rourke

People who leave, never deserved to be there in the first place

— Anonymous

I go fishing not to find myself but to lose myself.

— Joseph Monninger