I usually admit when someone complains but that's only coz denying them requires explaining. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'd love to attend your wedding if it wasn't going to put overwhelming pressure on me to have my own. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school. — Peter De Vries Copy Share Image
We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities. — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
What is focus and who has the right to say what focus is the legitimate focus? — Julia Margaret Cameron Copy Share Image
When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. — H. W. L. Poonja Copy Share Image
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns Copy Share Image
When I was young I believed that I could save the whole world,but when I grow up I find that even the… — Boboniu Copy Share Image
It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when youve already said what? three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just… — Kiara Sellars Copy Share Image
“Shut. Up," June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut… — Robin Benway Copy Share Image
“My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees… — Katherine Applegate Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that… — David Hyde Pierce Copy Share Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
