I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Band director: Tromboners, remember to be in the right position. Trumpeters, finger fast and blow hard. — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and… — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
In every show that you see, there's some stuff that's funny and some stuff that is not, or there might be stuff… — Mandira Bedi Copy Share Image
Two whales walked into a bar. One said, Weeeeeeeee-ooooooooo-uuuuuuuuuu-hhhh. The other whale said, Shut up, Steve. You're drunk! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I'm not on Twitter because I'm worried I'd be really dull, which would be tragic for someone who's supposed to be funny. — Mel Giedroyc Copy Share Image
Latest Technology: U can now check ur weight on ur phone,Ipad,Tab or Iphone, Just dial *00001 and stand on ur phone or… — Mars Mavis Paul John Copy Share Image
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.” — Joe Walker (as Voldemort in AVPM Copy Share Image
I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be… — Jonathan Winters Copy Share Image
Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's, Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies. — Jonathan Swift Copy Share Image
The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played… — Andy Peebles Copy Share Image
“Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary . Oh, please, please, save me… — Patrick Ness Copy Share Image
That moment when you see someone and you want to talk to them so bad but you feel like its going to… — RGclutch Copy Share Image
We make the future better than the past. We don't hide from history. We make history. — John McCain Copy Share Image
Here's to hopefully still having jobs when we return from Labor Day weekend. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One second here and there will make all the difference between something being funny and not being funny. That's why I like… — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
“I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito… — Nix Banner Copy Share Image
You never realize what you have until its gone. Toilet paper is a good example. — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
The life I was leading was changing me into someone I didn't even know. — Dennis Rodman Copy Share Image
AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception. — Richard Lerner Copy Share Image
“When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash,"… — Maureen Johnson Copy Share Image
I carry with me from my male upbringing a sense that femininity is forbidden. So when I appear on YouTube with forty… — ContraPoints Copy Share Image
Adventure games are all about details - if you happen to take this one object and use it with this other object,… — Tim Schafer Copy Share Image
You arrive at truth through poetry; I arrive at poetry through truth. — Joseph Joubert Copy Share Image
