I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate… — Beth Ditto Copy Share Image
You might not be funny, but don't force it. Just be authentic because people are going to always appreciate that more. — Zaza Pachulia Copy Share Image
The biggest risk for this generation is to have a haircut from a new salon..!! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I'm a virgin. I go to school. And my mother is not yet satisfied.lol — Christian Heggs Copy Share Image
“And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing,… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
People who take themselves too seriously, who can't see anything else, are usually funny. — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially with sculpted eyebrows. — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
Politicians are like bananas when they first come in they're green, then they turn yellow, and finally they're rotten! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The greatest service you can render someone else is helping him help himself. — Baltasar Gracian Copy Share Image
I grew up with a lot of really, really funny girls. We were encouraged to be funny. Our parents didn't filter us.… — Chloe Fineman Copy Share Image
If you really want your friends to remember you, give them something cheap. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is funny how football works. Everyone has their own journeys, don't they? — Ollie Watkins Copy Share Image
Everybody has a talent, but its what you do with that talent to make it great. — Alex Morgan Copy Share Image
“You are funny like a kid and awesome like a princess Unseen like an angel, like the morning sunshine… Kindness like a… — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
A baby just posted a picture of its mothers breast and labeled it as food porn. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“...so much has been laid on the sunset—heavy-handed metaphors, sentimental music. Everyone’s always walking into them, and that is some very intense… — Kirk Farber Copy Share Image
When you stop looking for something, you see it right in front of you. — Eleanor Coppola Copy Share Image
OK, I`m getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 í,9,9,9,9,9,9, .... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Oh you got Swag? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've been a fan of accents my whole life. I love trying to parrot or mimic voices that I hear every day,… — Paul Walter Hauser Copy Share Image
Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Who else pretends to be interested in a teacher's personal life just to waste time in class? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Somebody who opposes Trump is wound so tight, they're not funny people anyway, that they don't get his humor. They really believe… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
“Mia bows dramatically. “Welcome, kind Sir. Princess Mia has been awaiting your presence.” — K.A. Tucker Copy Share Image
“Has anyone seen a raving bitch with nice hair?” Holly shouted at the bottom of the stairs. Everyone who heard her pointed… — Nicole Williams Copy Share Image
