Funny Quotes · Page 59

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.

— Anonymous

Let's have sex one last time again.

— Anonymous

When he pretends to flee, do not pursue.

— Sun Tzu

Didn't know how to say farewell so I slapped him in the face and ran away.

— Anonymous

Women are under-represented in TV comedy for a variety of reasons, the hackneyed 'fear that women aren't funny' being one of them.

— Victoria Coren Mitchell

I don't sit down to write a funny story. Every single thing I sit down to write is meant to be sad.

— Lorrie Moore

I have planned that I will start planning to plan.

— Green Monk

Woman was created last so she wouldnt have to wait for someone to talk to.

— Vikrant Parsai

Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don't talk about it too much in the press is because…

— Matthew Perry

The only thing a star asks is to be allowed to twinkle.

— Marilyn Monroe

There is something about seeing myself improve that motivates and excites me.

— Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Either you defend the status quo, or you invent the future.

— Seth Godin

“It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.”

— John Marsden

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright

“You put a curse on that girl over there,' I tell him. 'Fix her immediately.' 'She admired my ears,' the boy says.…

— Holly Black

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

— Demetri Martin

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay,…

— P. J. O'Rourke

My favorite comics are the ones who say funny stuff but also give you the message. They give you the laughter, but…

— Tony Rock

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

— Oscar Wilde

Not facing a fire doesn't put it out.

— Tennessee Williams

“Werewolves never joke about age,” he said solemnly. “Why not?” Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno,” he finally admitted.…

— Rose Wynters

Pass that thing, slightly, lightly and politely.

— Cab Calloway

Trust begets trust and untrust begets untrust. It's natural.

— Munshi Premchand

If life is so hard, how come so many idiots are doing it?

— Anonymous

When you fall in love, you want the world to know it, but you dont want to admit it.

— Green Monk

The beauty of stature is the only beauty of men.

— Michel de Montaigne

I like Ben Stein. I think he's funny, creative, and an insightful commentator on a host of issues.

— Chuck Norris

You can either take it as a way to motivate yourself or be happy with what you've got.

— Jeremy Bonderman

Drink heavily with locals whenever possible.

— Anthony Bourdain

You can tell a lot about a person by holding a gun at their head and asking them questions.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sorry I am posting call me maybe quotes, Kennedy got me started on looking them up:P

— Anonymous

People say drinking milk makes you stronger, drink 5 glasses of milk, then try to move the wall, you Can't, right? now,…

— Anonymous

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

— Demetri Martin

What something is depends more on when it is than anything else.

— Frank Zappa

When somebody tells me I cannot do something, that's when I do it,

— Gertrude Ederle

You either get life or you don't, and if you don't - life gets you.

— Bert Convy

Thumbs up you say EA Sports, its in the game along with the guy who says it

— Ronde Dawson

The American ideal is, after all, that everyone should be as much alike as possible.

— James A. Baldwin

If I'm not back in five minutes ... just wait longer.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, An investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.

— Nikhil Saluja