Funny Quotes · Page 61

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

— Homer Simpson

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I didn't exist, I would have invented myself.

— Arthur C. Clarke

Bitterness is a greater failure than failure.

— James Richardson

I retired from everything except work.

— Lee Friedlander

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

— Spike Milligan

I'm not hard to please, I'm content with the very best.

— Fernand Point

Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

— Samuel Goldwyn

I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

— Anonymous

Have you seen the guy who hides from gay people at Walmart?

— Alec Straub

I think I have got quite a posh Scottish accent. It's funny because I grew up in Oxgangs and Fife.

— Ncuti Gatwa

I'm in the lane where I can make music but also have it be funny and still good at the same time.

— Jake Paul

We turn to Marx, therefore, not because he is infallible, but because he is inescapable.

— Robert Heilbroner

Comedy is not commercial; it is risky, because what is funny in one place isn't always funny somewhere else.

— Lloyd Kaufman

Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.

— P. J. O'Rourke

None of us can estimate what we do when we do it from instinct.

— Luigi Pirandello

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong…

— Elizabeth Jones

If pregant girl woddle when they walk ALL thow poeple that look like dudes and sag there pains are pregant girls??????????????????

— Unknow

It's interesting - I always thought when I was doing more melodramatic stuff like 'Everwood' that the directors were constantly reeling me…

— Chris Pratt

Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain…

— Norm MacDonald

“Nero lowered his head to speak in her ear, keeping his hands on her arms to lock her in place. “My problem…

— Sarah Brianne

Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect…

— Ronald Reagan

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the…

— Tommy Cooper

We never live, but we hope to live; and as we are always arranging to be happy, it must be that we…

— Blaise Pascal

Leh we do like toiletpaper and roll!!!!

— Trini Gurl

One day, Im gonna make the onions cry

— Anonymous

“I can see clearly now, my brain is gone. Lucy”

— Cathy Hopkins

Nature never gives everything at once.

— Samuel Johnson

Do you want to build a spaceship?

— Anonymous

For to a folysshe demaunde behoueth a folysshe ansuere.

— William Caxton

I don't choose what I compose. It chooses me.

— Gustav Mahler

You can and must understand computers NOW.

— Ted Nelson

If I’d a knowed more, I would a loved more.

— Toni Morrison

To be a liberal one doesn't have to be a wastrel.

— Paul Douglas

In truth, women are the strong ones.

— Coco Chanel

Dissolute: How you should greet a superior officer

— Nikhil Saluja

There is no success without failure and losses.

— John C. Maxwell

You can do anything for 30 seconds

— Tony Horton

Yours is only what you always have on you.

— Peter Deunov

The higher the truth, the simpler it is.

— Abraham Isaac Kook