Funny Quotes · Page 61

I'm not a mind reader, your unspoken words doesn't tell me anything at all.

— Nikhil Saluja

You are not what you were born, but what you have it in yourself to be.

— Liam Neeson

See things in the present, even if they are in the future.

— Larry Ellison

If you're not doing some things that are crazy, then you're doing the wrong things.

— Larry Page

Can you imagine what you could do, if you did all that you can?

— Gary Ryan

I would always play the baddie, incidentally.

— Tom Hiddleston

“In America, the least amusing people are its professional entertainers.”

— Neil Postman

A sin is anything you do which goes against yourself

— Miguel Angel Ruiz

“That’s what love’s all about, Roxanne. You love someone, you trust them always to tel you the truth.”

— Kristen Ashley

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know…

— Stephen Colbert

One of us is chained, none of us is free.

— Solomon Burke

MOM goshhh it's fine, EVERYONE did bad on the test

— Anonymous

The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time

— David Coleman

Prosthetic head is better than no head in the morning.

— Tre Cool

Thinking has an understructure and underpinnings.

— Agnes Denes

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents…

— Bob Hope

I'm the smartest celebrity you’ve ever dealt with. I’m not Britney Spears.

— Kanye West

To compose is to remember music that has never been written.

— Robert Schumann

Tehehe...keep calm and do the Harlem shake

— Unkown

Faith doesn't make sense. It makes miricles.

— Tony Evans

Truth has no beginning.

— Mary Baker Eddy

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

— Frank Carson

Get back to where you once belonged,

— John Lennon

What has worked before is never as good as something that has never been tried before, even if it doesn't work.

— Jimmy Webb

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

— H. L. Mencken

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

— US Air Force Manual

What's great about having an audience is they can let you know what they don't think is funny, and you can just…

— Maggie Carey

I do feel like guys feel pressure to be funny with me, which is kind of annoying. It's a turn-off if someone's…

— Chelsea Peretti

The Haas is here! And you can't see me!

— Charlie Haas

Beer may cause you to digress - and lead a happier life.

— Michael Jackson

Alea iacta est (The die is cast)

— Suetonius

It's a great day for TWA.

— William Compton

You win some and you lose some. Unless you're Virgil, then you lose them all.

— Bobby Heenan

Wife:-I will die. Husband:- I will also die. Wife:-why will you die? Husband:- because I can't bear that much happiness

— A Josland

Reason why I'm single 1) I can't date myself 2) I can't date my celebrity crush 3) I can't date food 4)…

— Anonymous

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

— Woody Allen

I got a lotta best friends. Some o' them I don't even hardly know!

— Archie Bunker

That's why I like babies. They're like beginnings we don't have?

— Lesley Howarth

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

— Brian Regan

Slamming the door shut, so everybody in the house knows you're pissed off.

— Anonymous