Funny Quotes · Page 66

I'm majoring in Trophy Wife with a minor in MILF.

— Anonymous

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

— Tommy Cooper

Depend on yourself; you won't be let down.

— Madhuri Dixit

What will be / the sacred words?

— Amiri Baraka

When youre on top, youre on top.

— Venus Williams

We don't work for each other, We work with each other.

— Stanley Gault

My whole head is like I've had a face lift.

— Robert Pattinson

Michael is Janet and Janet is Michael.

— Frank Zappa

When guys say they only fuck with dimes and you see then with a penny.

— Anonymous

It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

— Pamela Anderson

I learned that I' have to be detached if I was ever to achieve anything at all.

— Iain Pears

It’s simple, really: Be great right now so that you can be great later on.

— Pete Carroll

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, hey! He's only human!

— Anonymous

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

— Green Monk

A wife is just an attachment men screw on the bed to get the housework done.

— Nikhil Saluja

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

— Leslie Fiedler

Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates…

— Chelsea Peretti

“Skulduggery." "Fletcher." Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment. "I'm sorry, what are we doing now?" "Shaking hands,"…

— Derek Landy

So if all the parents tell their kids to be leaders and not followers what do we end up with? A bunch…

— Rachel

I love film, but it's funny going to drama school for three years, where you spend most of your time training for…

— Tuppence Middleton

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You…

— Adam Ferrara

“Johnny,the super,stares forward.His new tangerine hair half blinds me above a purple,leopard print shirt.I swing the door wide.“Come in,Johnny.”He eyes Fenris.“I think…

— Julie Reece

“That was very naughty,' Hawke chided, snatching the sword out of my hand as if I hadn't been holding onto it. 'You…

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

I think funny is just the foundation. I don't really think, to some extent, funny is the absolute most important thing. It…

— Robert Mankoff

Celebrity is just obscurity biding its time.

— Carrie Fisher

The problem is we don't understand the problem.

— Paul MacCready

I can't stop pointing to the beauty.

— Rumi

Never despise meger beginings!

— Anonymous

Happiness is more important than money any day.

— Jack White

Happiness and Beauty are by-products.

— George Bernard Shaw

I've loved all of my time here.

— Tabitha King

I'm as clean as the days are long.

— Rob Ford

What the fuck do you want from me? is the new hello.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

— Lewis Black

You don't pick dance. Dance picks you.

— Martha Graham

Hope is love's happiness, but not its life.

— Letitia Elizabeth Landon

The more things you do, the more things you can do.

— Lucille Ball

What we find changes who we become.

— Peter Morville

That's the way it was every time I studied it.

— Eugene Ormandy

Making a movie is casting a spell.

— Kenneth Anger