Funny Quotes · Page 38

“The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his…

— M.F. Moonzajer

I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete.

— Green Monk

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

— Rita Rudner

“What is so often laughable, in the stories of Kundera's Czechoslovakia, is how grimly serious just about everything turns out to be,…

— Philip Roth

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if…

— Frankie Boyle

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if…

— Dave Barry

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

The many become one and are increased by one.

— Alfred North Whitehead

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

— Joan Rivers

Early on, I had a girlfriend come see me, and she was like, 'Yeah, it was good, but you were funny at…

— Ari Shaffir

They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being…

— Jerome K. Jerome

No matter how funny you are, if I don't like you I wont laugh.

— Anonymous

There is no good in anything until it is finished.

— Genghis Khan

Best defender I have played against? Carles Puyol

— Cesc Fabregas

One must choose between loving women and knowing them.

— Ninon de L'Enclos

My room is Not Dirty !! I just have everything on display ; it's like having my own Museum...

— Green Monk

“Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?”

— Sherwood Smith

A friend will call you an idiot, but a best friend will not only call you one, but act like one with…

— Anonymous

..to know a little about a lot.

— Anonymous

Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's…

— Anonymous

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfeld deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Left to ourselves, mechanistic and autonomic, we hanker for friends.

— Lewis Thomas

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

— Denis Leary

Hey, remember when you had acrush on _____ Wait. What. Pshh. No. That never happened. Why would you think that? Of course not.

— Anonymous