S. J. Perelman

The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what…

— S. J. Perelman

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

— S. J. Perelman

There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want…

— S. J. Perelman

FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you…

— S. J. Perelman

A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as…

— S. J. Perelman

There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable…

— S. J. Perelman

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.

— S. J. Perelman

Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they…

— S. J. Perelman

I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.

— S. J. Perelman

I'm half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.

— S. J. Perelman

I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.

— S. J. Perelman

English life, while very pleasant, is rather bland. I expected kindness and gentility and I found it, but there is such a…

— S. J. Perelman

Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off…

— S. J. Perelman

To err is human, to forgive supine.

— S. J. Perelman

All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how…

— S. J. Perelman

I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney,…

— S. J. Perelman

Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then…

— S. J. Perelman

Where would the Rockefellers be today if old John D. had gone on selling short-weight kerosene ... to widows and orphans instead…

— S. J. Perelman

In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's…

— S. J. Perelman

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

— S. J. Perelman

There is such a thing as too much couth.

— S. J. Perelman

I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.

— S. J. Perelman

He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

— S. J. Perelman

I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's…

— S. J. Perelman

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

— S. J. Perelman