If I get 30 days to study I'll spend 29 days to find xerox notes. -Engineer :P — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer… — Danish Copy Share Image
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
My target audience is anyone who finds the world interesting and human behavior fascinating, terrible, inspiring, funny, and occasionally, mysterious. — Amy Bloom Copy Share Image
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off? — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I have complained to our administration about working the professional attitude of a corrupt officer. Feedback from administration was amazing. Youre terminated.… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
Sorry your decision to quietly change your relationship status was broadcast to every single one of your Facebook friends. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you wake up thinking it's Friday and it's Sunday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We all have that one friend who eats a lot but never gains weight... ! — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
I am a fan of all genres. My big thing is to serve the purpose of the script and what the director… — Terry Crews Copy Share Image
The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it? — Jim McMahon Copy Share Image
Aha, I really want to make a facebook account called 'nobody' so then I'll add enemies and it'd notify them saying nobody… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business. — Wanda Sykes Copy Share Image
“OCEANA: Are we here to take a tour of the museum? Is this your surprise? ORPHEUS: This is my house. OCEANA: (gasps)… — Scarlett Brukett Copy Share Image
“Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.” This Santa’s beard was… — Rachel Cohn Copy Share Image
I didn't give a fuck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don't give a flying fuck. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Honey, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
