“Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts… — Gina Damico Copy Share Image
So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. — Jean Baudrillard Copy Share Image
Happiness consists not in having much, but in wanting no more than you have. — Lydia M. Child Copy Share Image
If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama. — Mark Cuban Copy Share Image
East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Haters are cowards. When confronted they often back down. We must resist haters. — Janet Reno Copy Share Image
Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange… — A Josland Copy Share Image
Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you notice someones zipper is down but you don't want to say anything because you don't have a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that… — Jeff Ross Copy Share Image
For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have… — Tracy Morgan Copy Share Image
Don't ask yourself what you did wrong; ask yourself what you did right. — John Kessel Copy Share Image
“History, of course, is never real. People either glorify it or horrify it. Or at the very least color it.” — Paula Wall Copy Share Image
I've noticed, as a comedy fan, that I really like Paul Thomas Anderson or Quentin Tarantino because when they're funny, they're actually… — Paul Rust Copy Share Image
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute and asking them for a hug. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
